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1.A Liturgical Introduction

Nestled in the bosom of the Appalachian Mountains Is a wooden cabin
And in that cabin is a family
And in that family is a father.
And in that father is a network of veins and arteries
And in those veins and arteries is blood
And in that blood is a mixture of barbiturates and alcohol
And this sadly is where our story must begin.

2.On A Shelf

On a shelf down in the basement
By a box of old CD's
Is a book back from the days when I was young and not in need
Is that true that I was ever in a place of self-sustain
I'm not sure it is; in fact I am just lying straight and plain
But then plain gets more appealing every day that I'm hit hard
By a street fighter from England In the shadows of a shipping yard
She was blue and green and made of cherry coke and marmalade
I was hopeless in her presence. I was just hopin' I'd get laid
I'll jump rope like Sly Stallone when he gets buff for Rocky Five
And then gorge myself on french fries every night at the local dive
I'm the very thing I hate. And I can't make that go away
So go fire off three more rockets baby, let's let that big band play.

Maybe someday I'll get ready, maybe, baby, someday, I'll go
To the land of the dry heave, where they've never seen the snow
And I'll look up in a phone book where they keep those passed away
And I'll make my pilgrimage to see the place my father lays
...or "lies," I s'pose is what he does. Aw, man now that there's a pun
By the way, baby, when you're bored, what exactly do you do to have fun?

3.Tennis Shoes

I am fascinated by your tennis shoes
I was lacerated by it when his booze
Caught a caustic runway like a fighter jet
Cause Airplane fuel and soda's neither light or wet
But I digress, let's get back to your tennis shoes
I saw 'em sticking out of the confession booth where
You admitted sad and lonely things were true
Soon, I'll screw the courage up just to talk to you
Cause screwing up, you know, is now my specialty
You are not as scared of me as you will be
Once we meet and share a kiss
And, then revealed, I spoil the bliss

I am sorry I misrepresented who I am (I guess I lied to you)
I am sorry I must have told you I was on the lam (I'm not runnin' from the law)
But it's really nothing quite so glorious
The truth is really more laborious
I just disappeared from myself for fun

The secret's out, it's really not your tennis shoes (Why you gotta look at my tennis shoes?)
But I get so embarrassed by the place I choose
To look when I can bring myself to raise my eyes (Eye eye eye eyes)
So I incorporate the science of disguise
Norse mythology has always captured me (Give it up for the God of Thunder)
How do you feel about the God of Thunder, he
Goes by Thor and Marvel had a comic book (Loki's goin' down)
Oh my God, here you come, I don't know where to look
Looking like a fool is now my specialty
Odin, for your favor, I shall wrestle thee (His ambition seems to know no bounds)
Once we lock, and I prevail (What makes him think he will prevail?)
You will make me alpha male (Like Ted Nugent, the master of the compound bow)

4.Did I Ever Become

It was down at the lake I had a lump in my throat
You were wrapping up tight In your old navy coat
We were faking that things were as plain as the sky
Which was lying down low like a cold war spy
I could play like a kid I could swagger and yell
I was full of myself I was empty as well
But I felt like a king in a chamber of gold
When you wandered by and your scent would take hold
Did we ever become who we thought we would be
Is it ever the case when you run into me
That you think to yourself spontaneously
Hey he's just like he was, he's just what I thought he would be
(Did I ever become what I thought I would be?)
I don't want to be foolish I don't want to be dumb
But I swear I'd trade somebody both of my thumbs
Just to have back the force of my naiveté
And to live with my heart for just one more day

5.Captain Purdue

Watching one more year go by
Wondering when I'm gonna cry
I am half a football field
From the place my heart will yield
To the fact that you are gone
And that you slipped the surly bond
And I will not see your face
When the family bows for grace

Thank God for Captain Purdue
Of the US Army too
And be with all those people out there
Less fortunate than us
Alone and friendless
In the winter air

I'm sick of sinking down
In my tight black evening gown
It's a lost cause every day
I'm faking it all the way
I've tread the rocky road
I've struck the mother lode
But I'm still bare knuckled here
And hoping things come clear

It's a half-minded lopsided double-dipped ice cream cone
That I lick and look around but I'm eating it all alone
And I'd give up my right ear
Just to watch you hang your hat again
And not your neck my dear old friend

6.Sympathy For Jesus

I came stumbling into church
With a hot gun in my hands
I was ready to talk to Jesus
To tell him my demands
But Jesus ain't no fool
He's seen this kinda thing before
And He had a couple angels stop me
At the front door
I said now come on that ain't fair
You should be accessible to all
He said everybody gets a secretary
Even just to take their calls
So address me to my face
If you think you've got the balls
But I ain't playin' around
Boy, at all

This was not what I expected
So I stiffened in my stance
And I tried hard to remember
Every single shitty circumstance
Then I quivered like a victim
With his predator in sight
I was ready now to vindicate I was ready to start a fight
Now you can stand right there and judge me
Shoot, you can send me straight to hell
I know you got the power
I know that fact full well
But before you do explain to me
Why suffering and why death?
And why did I pray all those years
And waste all that good breath?

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Well the angels sang it under their breath by the door
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I give up, I can't go on like this any more

Well I appreciate your kind, he said
And then Jesus poured a drink
My face musta looked funny
Cause he said, It's not like you think
I'm saddled with the job you know
Of interpreting my Dad
To a bunch of frightened people,
Frightened or just mad
And most of 'em think they got it right
And then he threw some ice cubes in
But most of 'em are just dead wrong
About life and death and sin
And then I got my fiancée'
She's s'posed to speak my mind
But sometimes she's just chicken
And then she messes it up other times

7.Whittle Down

One hundred movies on a little list
Which of 'em can't I afford to miss?
Bound for an island with a VCR
Life's been funny for me so far
Blue-green glow in the long, long night
Like a dance on a river with a bottle of sprite
I was joking when I said it couldn't get no worse
I never knew the coroner didn't use a hearse
No, man, it's a black-tinted modified Aerostar
How do you suppose we ever made it this far
I'm a boy on a field with a soccer ball
Still hoping that you're coming out to see me this fall

Whittle down the days with a pocket knife
Carve a little statue to dysphoric life
You can love your family you can hug your wife
But they still bang the drum and then they play the fife
Eminem acted in a big screen show
I could be a battle rapper if I just said so
It's made with the aid of a literary flow
And Mr. Dylan grillin' burgers with your best friend Joe
Me and Eminem and the bad cash flow
We been leakin' on the weekend like a Vincent Van Gogh
It's a paint-eating, lead-poisoned hip hop show
If we could just get the money to record our demo

Don't walk away. Please don't go
I feel like I never really got to know
Anything at all. It's a bad talk show
The Viet Nam War and the alcoholic roar
Are the soundtrack wound back over and o'er
So master of the battle rap, king of fools
Take me your pretty little 8-Mile school
I can out-suffer anybody, sickly ghoul
I'm a starch-fed white bread fossil fuel
I got a secondhand heritage from Liverpool
I'm the experiment's errant little molecule
Who can change the range of the whole new school
But now I'm braggin' like a dragon like them other fools do
For the sake of the ache of my new hairdo
Shaved at the scalp with the ashes too
Remembering the dead like an old-school Jew
No loans, but my clothes are all rent in two
But torn up shorn down, just like you
That's the way that it works, that's the age-old rule
You can yell, you can stomp, you can ridicule
But you're pained and you're drained and you're miniscule
Sitting in the kitchen on a three-leg stool
Just workin' like a jerk 'n tryin' to finish night school
Thinkin' of a kingdom and a crown of jewels

8.The Phone Call

I think it was a Sunday afternoon
If I remember you were sick
The television threatened like a glass monsoon
But I could change the channel with a flick

We were catching up on laying down
We were finally settling in
We had some ideas for when we got well
We were just about to begin

That's when the phone call came
That's when the phone call came
I can't even say his name
But that's when the phone call came
The feeling dropped and cracked like a big glass bowl
My eyes were wide and narrow at once
I could not believe that this was happening
We hadn't talked for almost two months

Tin foil, house keys
I'm weak at the corner of my eyes
Pillows, slippers
Thick unconscious sighs
Wood floors, coasters
My shelves of compact discs
The jackets hung, a coat of dust
Let's cut back on our risks

Oh, but thank you a thousand times
My words are nickels and dimes from a chair that reclines
Junk the metal detector finds
Emptied out mines, leftover rinds
Stolen street signs, four-dollar wines
But thank you a thousand times
I hadn't showered, hadn't shaved
I hadn't drawn a breath
And though you cannot speak or walk
You're standing up to death
All that I had thought about was

Back when the phone call came
Back when the phone call came
I can't even say his name
Cause it was back when the phone call came
Maybe we could get you in a set of wheels
And take you out for a little spin
Watch your eyes while tree after tree goes by
See how you take it all in

9.Touch His Bones

I been diggin' through my clothes
I don't think nobody knows
Cause if some would touch his bones
Well I'd just head back home
All alone
And when the sun had rose
I'd say nobody, nobody knows
You might think you'd figure out
The way Hemingway'd doubt
Cause if some would touch his bones
And stand among the stones
All alone
Then when the sun had rose
They'd say, "Hey, buddy, don't muddy those"

Awful dreams
Another choir of smothered screams and I
I am reeling I feel like I believe
But I won't deny that I'm in need
I don't know my left from right
I must be quite a sight
The dogs will bark but will not bite
When, in the middle of the night, He comes again
With a voice that's ripped and old,
He says, "Hey, buddy, my body's cold"

10.To Get Ourselves Clean

But haven't you seen me? 
I stalked through your dreams
I hung from your rafters
And shattered your beams
Your lights are like workers
Who've gone on a strike
Demolish the mission
Go sit on a bike
You may not be cute
And you may not be well
You may be an old phone
With a real ringing bell
But you're not just lying
You're in desperate shape
And things haven't whispered
Since you lost the cape
Cape at Canaveral
Cape of Good Hope
Caper of daring,
O- Kay, we need soap

To Get Ourselves Clean
To Get Ourselves Clean
To Get Ourselves

11.Every Time A Lie

I was sippin’ on my whiskey in Kentucky town
Where the top shelf bourbon is a Jim Beam brown
And I'm headin' out east. I'm goin' to Boston town
Gonna find out if Ted Williams is still around
I'm a 400-hitter, baby, I'm a diamond in the rough
When I get it all together I'm gonna show you my stuff
Maybe the Red Sox Kid can teach his swing
To the up and coming uppercut new line drive king
But people get uneasy then they go pale
When you tell 'em that you recently got outta jail
But it's cool cause I was pardoned by the Alabama governor
A deep fried, sun-hardened gentleman, a southerner
I played him Lynrd Skynrd just to show him I'm for real
And then we'd sit with bowls of grits and I'd be super genteel
He was taken by the bacon and the collard greens
That I pressed in my folded up rolled-cuff blue jeans
I am cluttered up with sputtered out half-broke cars
I'm a junkyard full of funk put out by fast-choke stars
I fail like a pail with a split in its side
I'm the new clothes behind which the emperor can't hide
So, I got a resume' from yesterday's visit to the zoo
I was thinkin' maybe I could put to use the old kung fu
To subordinate the primate, the leopard and the emu
With a black belt, you know, I can do what other people can't do
I wore out all my friends at my junior high
Cause every time I told a story, it was every time a lie
And now I can't remember my for-real history
And my counselor, he told me "you don't buy it, buddy, it's for free"
But nothing comes free, my daddy always used to say
And nowadays my daddy's not around me anyway
So I remember what he told me. Cause he can't be here today
After all, he is a secret agent working for the CIA

12.Just Opened Up

The last time I was breathin'
I was scared
I never knew what people felt I never cared
Now the world just opens up
Like a basement or a coffee cup

Like a thermos on a boy scout trip
That your dad spilled when he lost his grip

Every time I think about it
I don't want to be
Sad, cause bein' sad's too real
And real is like a small insect
It's a never-ending pain in your neck
And you wish that real would just go away
The last time I saw Henry
I was drunk
I hadn't showered for a week Man, I stunk
But Henry he just opened up
After one insincere hey what's up
And spilled his guts
I guess he couldn't see that
Every time I wonder
About the Cubs
And how the fans bite their nails Down to the nubs
I'm hopin' maybe that this year
They will finally make it clear
That Chicago knows about baseball
And they really got it right this fall

13.The Beginning Of A Parade

This is the beginning of a parade
Roll out the big floats we all made
The Fire Insurance Company
Has a home on fire, it's a sight to see
Ever since everything got so damn rough,
I been tryin' my best just to toughen up
So you can sell the horse and melt down the bit
I don't care anymore; I don't give a shit
This is the beginning of a parade
Roll out the big floats we all made
There's a long and thin and lonely line
At the Bud Light tent; everybody's buyin'
Ever since we took that last long ride
I been staring at a photo of you outside
The way the sunlight skims your skin
Like a lake at dusk I'm swimming in
The beginning of a parade
I love you strong like a fire hose
It's a love nobody besides us knows
I kind of like keeping it to myself
Like a jar I store up on the highest shelf

The Khrusty Brothers: The Khrusty Brothers
All songs written by Don Chaffer
© 2006 Gentleman Adventurer’s Songs (ASCAP)
Admin by Simpleville Music, Inc. All rights reserved.